


A Portrait of the Villain as a Young Man, as a Giant, as a Woman, as a Child

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, Metafiction, References to Norse Religion & Lore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 04:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Loki is a God of Stories, but his own story is a fractured thing. He sees the broken pieces that the skalds have tossed away because they are no longer convenient or appropriate or believable to their audience. How can Loki be a villain if he is a victim? How can Thor be a hero if he is a bloodthirsty berserker? But the tapestry they weave no longer fits together and Loki cannot find himself in this new story.





	A Portrait of the Villain as a Young Man, as a Giant, as a Woman, as a Child

Sometimes, when Loki feels himself beginning to wake, he notices a strange ache in his wrists. He peeks through his lashes and tries to figure out if it is bruises he sees marring his skin, or merely shadows. He does not know why they should hurt. He does not play the sort of bedroom games that would inflict such a state upon him; there is no one he trusts in all of Asgard to tether him. He is Loki, he will be free. He will not be tied down, not even for sport. 

There are strange things haunting the corner of his eyes. The other day, Thor managed to convince him to abandon his studies for a hunt. The day had been bright, full of flowers and sweet smells. A cool breeze rustled the leaves. Thor's beast of a hound had its nose to the ground, though Loki paid not a bit of attention to it. He was content to while away the hours beside Thor, happy in the warm embrace of the glorious day. He let his teasing turn sweet and Thor laughed. A hare darted past them and the dog took up the chase. Loki felt himself overcome with fear as he watched them, the dog and the hare. And when the beast's teeth sank into the white-furred belly of its prey, Loki screamed. They had transformed. A wolf now stood where there was once a dog, and spread out across the ground there was a little boy. The child's entrails spilled hot over the grass and Thor took his hammer from his belt and walked calmly to where he lay dying to put him out of his misery. 

Thor asks him what is wrong. Why did he scream? Why has he become secretive? Put away your books, Loki, and come play, he begs. Loki can read his lips, he knows the words that Thor is saying, but it is not the words he hears. Thor's hair lightens by shades, his beard grows thicker, he looks older. There is something wild about him. The man in front of him is not a buffoon, not a chivalrous knight. He is lusty with violence, his thoughts occupied with a terrible vengeance that he dares to call justice, full of blood and manly pride and disgusting cruelty. This man is a villain, Loki thinks. But then Thor is once again his brother, and there is naught in his head but love and if he is a little vainglorious that is alright. A hero needs flaws. 

Sometimes, Thor talks to the air. He calls the clouds "Fandral" and "Volstagg" and "Hogun." If the clouds answer back Loki cannot hear them. Sif watches from afar and smiles at them as she weaves a pretty tapestry, her hair golden in the sunlight. No, it is not hair. Grains of wheat sprout from the top of her head. Loki reaps the wheat and threshes it for her. A kindness. She does not think so. She screams at him, Thor thunders, everyone is angry. Her hair grows back and this time it is black. She puts away her dresses and her needlework, dons armor and straps a sword to her girdle, and the matter is forgotten. Loki tries to bring it up one day and Sif stares at him as though he has gone mad. Perhaps he has. Her hair has always been black. How could he have forgotten? 

Loki runs away. He tires of Asgard's insults. So what if he is ergi? So what if he practices a woman's art? He wants to shock their conservative sensibilities, wants to fling their hypocrisy back into their faces. He will become a shepherdess and marry some mortal man, bear his children and keep his house. If Asgard denies him a man's honor, then he will gladly take on a woman's. He will shame the House of Odin, and he will do it by being the perfect woman, the very ideal of feminine virtue. But Midgard is nothing like the stories he has heard. Women's liberation and the Stonwall Uprising have already shattered the very things that Loki wanted to destroy. When he returns to Asgard, he finds it a different place. Loki can find not a hint of prejudice in Thor's heart. Thor is a hero and heroes are careful to use the right terms, to be accepting, to uphold their wonderful ideals of equality and tolerance-- _and that was never Asgard's ideal, never, never! Asgard is built on misogyny and war and slavery! What is happening? why can't anyone--_

Loki finds a little boy playing in the garden. "Nari!" He calls out, and the boy disappears. He does not know why he says it. He has never heard the name before. 

Dinner is a horror. Loki tries to ignore the methodical way his father goes about cutting his own eye out, but his stomach revolts at the sounds of sawing bone and he cannot swallow. The food sits in his mouth. He spits it out. Freya mocks him from one end of the table, asking if the food is not to his liking. He tells her to be silent, that a woman who once mounted her own brother should not fling insults. Riotous voices break out all at once and Loki takes vicious delight in revealing their secrets in turn, all the things he has learned from his terrible visions. Skadi hisses a warning. "You may be light-hearted now, but soon you will be bound with your ice-cold son's guts on a sharp rock by the gods." Loki does not hear a word she says. His eyes are riveted to the snake wrapped around her throat, its mouth dripping with venom. 

Loki is sent to his room and the door is locked behind him. He crawls into bed, shutting his eyes against the terrible things he sees. He feels something slip beneath the covers beside him, a little body that is ice-cold against his own, curled up beneath his chin. "You'll get used to it," the little boy who is not Nari says. "We're a fractured story, you and I. Sometimes it's hard to make the pieces fit together."


End file.
